"So, you've got the crabs and you want me to go in, scratching my balls and buy "you" some Triple XXX crab shampoo and pretend that it's me, who infact, has said crabs?" Jimmy asked, as he toggled through the stations of his A.M. radio. "Yeah, that's pretty much it"... "Oh, and if you don't mind, could we keep this on the D.L.?" Luke replied with the fear of god in his voice.
Meanwhile, I sat in the back seat wondering if the girl of my dreams was ever going to return my phone call. I am ashamed to admitt it, but at the time I had been dating women from the net. I had been chatting with this girl "Amanda" for about three weeks. I realized I was going to be in her town the following Thursday for a bussiness meeting. We ended up getting sushi together in Hartford Thursday night and then agreed to meet up the next day. The next day we went to the beach and spent the day in the sun making out. Later, I took her to a seven course meal at this fancy place called Sauce. I went home late friday night, deciding not to screw this absolutley gorgeous early twenties babe. Well I had not heard from her in three days, despite a solid week of talking to her before she fell of the planet. So there I sat in the back seat, too depressed to find the obvious humor of the crab situation.
"Hey Tony, Who do you think was a better drummer, John Bonham or Neil Pert? Called Jimmy from the front seat. "Rush sucks, how is that even fair?" I ansewred back with conviction, obviously distracted from my pathetic pit of dispair. "Yeah but who on a one on one basis, is better?" Jimmy insisted. "Bonham is the best by far, its a gimme question." I announced as if it were as common a fact as the sky being blue. "O.k. Let's do this!" Jimmy said as he opened the door to the car and stepped out into the parking lot. "Are you coming?" he asked, looking Luke in the eye. "Why do I have to go in, you're the one buying it?" begged Luke. "Because its for you...If you want me to but it, you have to come in!" Jimmy comanded. "Fine, Let's go!" Luke said, caving in after a brief moment of debate.
Back to dealing with this woman on the brain. So, no call from her at all, its like she forgot how to use a phone. I was really pretty disgusted with myself, I thought I did everything right. I was totally at my witt's end trying to think of what I might have said,when I was interupted by the sound of gunfire. I sank down low into the to seat and tried to convince myself it was just firecrackers, but it was no good, I was scared as all hell. The shooting only lasted a few seconds, but I didn't lift my head for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, though, I managed up the courage to peek over the front passenger seat and out the middle, only to see two bloody corpses, one inside of a car, the other with her head shot all to shit, a gun laying on the hood beside her. I got out and ran into the drug store. I got to the door just as the guys were coming out.
"Dude the lady knew it was for me, anyway." "Yeah because you were acting all sketchy and shit!"
"Guys, get back inside!!!" There's been a shooting in the parking lot!" I screamed in panic and out of breath. "Some lady just killed herself and some guy!" I told them, as I struggled to come to terms with the gravity of the situation. What the hell just happened? I was sitting there in the car and bam, two people are dead with in feet of me. Great, now I have to deal with this.
Fifteen years later, I still remember the seeing the mush of some woman's skull bleeding all over the hood of her car, all because Lucus had to go and catch the crabs.
And just so you know, that bitch never called me back, because she got killed by a drunk driver going home from our date. I found the news in the Hartfort Sun's obituary section, on-line, later that very same day.
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