Kermit the Blog

Things I hate about bar customers:



I enjoy my job as a bartender, in fact, there is nothing I'd rather do except get laid. One of the things I like about my job is interacting with the customers I encounter on a daily basis. I learn a lot and I also hear a lot of bullshit, gossip and dirty jokes. However there are a few things that customers do that really piss me off.



To start, I really hate when I tell someone that will be right with them and they shout their order as I walk away. Half of the time I hear and remember what they want, but i'm so pissed that they couldn't wait like I had asked them to that I don't even bother serving them until I can find nothing else to do, which some times can take up to fifteen minutes.



I also don't appreciate whistlers, people who slap the bar and yell for service. I see you, I know you're there and I'll get to you when its your turn and if you are obnoxious (especially the New Jersy and Long Islanders) you will be served dead last. If you continue with your shinanigans I will tell you why you are not enjoying a tasty alcoholic beverage and then be with you shortly. Some people think that ignoring the guests is bad for bussiness, but even the public needs to be managed (especially since I am serving a controlled substance). Adults act like children somtimes, they watch too much Television and try to act as cool as thier favorite characters. I've even had people step to the bar and order rehearsed cocktail instructions such as, shaken, not stirred and made up drinks as unlikely as a Naked Zack Effron. If the person who your naming a drink after isn't old enough to actually enjoy alcohol legally, I'm not making it.

Another emmy award winning move to get my attention is to use my name without actually having introduced yourself. So what you know my name, I still may need to see your I.D. and even if we've been through an introduction, you haven't been in enough to be remembered. Most of the time the people that yell my name heard a regular use it, once again, please wait your turn. Knowing my name doesn't make you V.I.P. even my grandmother has to wait her turn. The difference is, she knows how to be patient, god bless the old school, what happened to good old fashioned self restraint.

I don't mind when customers come in to catch a buzz, in fact, I think that it a good reson to go to a bar. When a local redneck and his buddies come in and ask for three shots, a round of jack and cokes lite on the coke and tell me they're going to get shitty, I get worried. I work in restaurants because I love to flirt with waitresses and also because I don't enjoy the liability of serving rowdy binge drinking drunks who are likely to start fights, yell and act like idiots and cause scenes. I don't need that kind of trouble and a family owned restaurant isn't the appropriate place to get that shitty...but its a good place to start. Feel free to catch a buzz a nice meal full of protien and be on your way... thank you.

I don't try and take your order while i'm on the phone, please don't try to order while on yours. I have to ask for temperatures on steaks, offer modifiers and repeat the order, so don't be pissed that I'm asking you questions. I have a great idea, lets talk when you are done so you don't have to have it my way.

I hate trying to figure out who is paying for what when everybody is buying each other drinks, keep it to a recieved drink and a returned favor, otherwise, I am confused, you may get charged with whatever you drink and besides, do you really want to end up drinking want somebody else likes all night?

A few last little aggrivations to set you straight:
I don't want to see any sleeping, crying or hear any talk of wanting to get in a fight. I don't need any help making a drink nor do I need your criticism if the drink I'm making isn't yours. If another guest is pissing you off call me aside, there is no need to get pissy with another guest. If I am making a drink for you and you change your mind, you still have to pay for it. If the chairs are up, yes we are closed. If children are sitting at the bar with thier family, they are customers, don't complain about them taking up seats, thier parents are spending money in a family restaurant and it is not illegal in the state you are in. you don't know the laws as well as I do, its my job to know the so I do. I am the law, if I say you are done, you are done. If I say you can have a Long Island Ice Tea, guess what, you can't. I am not a bank, I don't do tabs, I don't take checks (otherwise I have to find you when the check bounces and try to collect back the money I had to pay out of pocket for your tab. Trust me you don't want to owe me money.) I don't give rides or buy drinks for cock teases who aren't going to tip or put out.

I welcome the patient, friendly patron who understands their boundries, legal limitations and our liscense's liability. You may laugh, carry on and have a good time, let me take care of the rest. I will entetain you and provide a good meal in an environment that is hospitable. If you visit me once, you'll be back...