Appreciation

I could barely stand when we were through, the summer air was fresh and cool on our swet drenched bodies as we shared our only cigarette and listened to the wet summer shower. Her naked body pressed against mine from behind, her breath at my ear, the smell of cigarettes and over priced merlot on her breath. Thank you for the awesome "O" she whispered as she kissed the back of my neck and embraced me just a little tighter. "I hope {exhaling smoke} I mean.. I love you." I replied, deciding not to say what I had planned. "you hope what, Justin?" she asked lovingly. " "I hope we are pregnant, I want to be a part of your life forever. I just love everything about us." I confessed fearing I had said too much. "I do to, when we make love, its like we are the most two beautiful people in the world...its like we are Adam and Eve." she replied. Then in silence we listened to the rain and finished our only cigarette, swallowed our last few sips of wine and stepped away back into our bedroom and finally off into dreamland.



Its been six or more years since the cozy silence of that rainy night. I spend much of my time now in solitude. The nights after work are serene and peaceful, they offer refuge from the monotony of a hard and seemingly endless day of restaurant work. My feet are sore, my eyes are heavy and I long for the warmth of my giant empty bed. I used to long for her love, pine for another love as incredible and endearing as hers, this much I remember, but it has been too long and I have since forgotten what it is that I am missing...



Tonight as I recall the magic of the past, I am also reminded of the future. The future causes a great deal of pessimism with in me. I tend to forget that awesome things can happen and instead focus on the idea that if I don't make the right decisions and find the motivation to make certain things happen, then they may never occur at all. I wish I had no expectations somtimes, so I could just let go and drift among the chaos and become whatever is chosen for me. I am a dreamer, my mind is wet with ideas and possibilities of who and what I may like to become. Mostly, I long for a wife and a child. Too encounter the wide eyes of a pure and flawless creation. To hear sounds unintended, yet natural and expected, from an angel in diapers with breath fresh full of life and wonder. To hold a mother weak from hours of endurance and caress her empty supple belly with the same endless amount of compassion I had when I watched it double and triple in size. And I will love her deeper than I can fathom, harder than mine own heart dare beat and I will praise life with a new found respect for the glory and grace of creation.



For now, as I blush with shame for admitting my heart's only real desire, I will remian in the present, somewhat grounded by reality yet, very much alive with hope. Perhaps someday soon my dreams will come to pass. I never have had any doubt in my faith, just in the details. In my brief experiance of life I have become aware that things don't always go as planned, that dreams are few and far between, and how very precious are our few ansewered prayers. I think of the victims of everyday life that through disease and tragedy have died incomplete and deprived lives. And I do not wish to be selfish, despite the many who have the fortune to experiance thier dreams yet, fail to appreciate how incredible it is to be blessed. I do not intend to grow with scorn, a hatred for the have's, when I have not. I wish only the be the soil, the conditions ripe for miracles to prevail, so I may be ready for great love and to love greatly with or without miracle, all that is here.